The Discovery of the Human Heart

The road under the wheels would feel snug
As if I weren't even moving
Already miles away
But moving blindingly fast towards something more... Arcane

To be honest, I have nothing against what is obligatorily referred to as "this town". In fact, I am quite comfortable. That is the problem. Comfort is, in a way, paradoxical (in a grand sense). I love routine- I always know what is coming next, so I am always prepared for it. But what if I don't want to be prepared? Something inside me dies every time I write on a schedule. It is comforting to know I will be ready to complete the task, but at the same time, there is no romance, no adventure. And I suppose that is what I am after- adventure. I feel as though the schedule looked pretty well organized in Eden in the beginning. But a pretty big curve ball was thrown, and good or bad, this is where we are. Somehow, the chaos inspires me. Think of the story so far- sin enters a perfect world, and God himself reaches down and touches the world to bring us back to him after we ran away. It is the perfect love story. I mean, every true love begins out as perfect, right? Then there is some dynamic that throws that relationship for a loop at some point or another and the two fight for their love, tooth and nail.

What is the beauty of victory if you never understand defeat?

I want to hit the road. I want to get lost in some back road in Arizona. I want to see a tacky tourist attraction and pretend I care. I want to sleep in my car and wake up to a sunrise in the mountains. I want to watch the sunset on the California coast. I want to see the northern lights in Alaska. And I want to meet everyone in between. The world is a canvas painted with every color of the human experience- every story is waiting to be told, and thousands more to be written. I will one day tell this story to my children some cold evening cuddled up by the fire with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I will tell them of the friends I made along the way, all the funny things that had happened, the remarkable occurrences that I had experienced, and every time God touched my heart through it all. I will pull out a dusty old photo album and show them all the pictures as they gazed on the great adventure I had taken. The human experience can only be brought to the light of truth when given the light of other people. I can never understand the complexities of life until I put my ear to the hearts of a thousand people and listen closely to the song it sings. And part of finding this great human experience will come when I see the sun rise and set from every coast, when I see the creatures and flowers in every state, when I can see the world from a mountaintop rather than from flat ground.

I want to have no possession but God.

A Life of Adventure

The moment my foot touched the floor in that Salt Lake City airport, I felt something race through me, something new. I made my way to baggage claim area to find someone I didn't know, but I knew she was the one I was supposed to meet there because of the camping gear. I was about to meet up with eighteen people I had never met in my life and drive up to the Grand Teton National Park in Jackson Hole, Wyoming to go camping and backpacking. It felt incredible, having no clue what I was in for. When I had signed up for the trip, I only knew two things: it was a backpacking trip in Wyoming, and that I wanted to go more than I have ever wanted anything. I wanted an adventure.
So I hopped in the rental van and we set off. I had some pretty solid and surprisingly meaningful conversations with the people in my van on the four hour drive from Salt Lake City to Jackson Hole, and the excitement was building inside me. We got to the campsite in the park, and it was beautiful. We were tucked in the edge of a wooded area that opened up to a field, then a spectacular view of the Tetons. I don't know if you have ever seen this mountain range, but in my opinion, it is one of the most beautiful things this country has to offer. We held a short Bible study and went to bed shortly after. I have never slept better than I did those eight nights crammed in a tent in my sleeping bag with four other guys.
The first four days were spent going on day-hikes and doing other activities like white water rafting. They were amazing. After just the second day, I felt as though the people on that trip were my brothers and sisters, and we grew pretty close. One night, we went to some hot springs that were a good bit away from our camp. It was a little chilly, and we walked about a quarter mile and waded through a river to get to the springs. When we got there, we sat mostly around the edge of the pools and let our feet hang down under the water that reflected the bright moon and eerie clouds shifting in and out of its light. Two of the guys from the trip shared their testimonies that night, and I will never forget it. Both consisted of some seriously screwed up events that took place in their lives, whether the destruction wrought by drugs, or the hatred unleashed by parents, they had been through hell. These two guys (Jack and Garrett were their names) were the most sincere Christians I had ever met. Before the trip, I had every doubt in my mind that God even existed, and I had the bitter taste of cynicism for Christians in my heart. But after hearing what they had been through, all the ways God pulled them out, and how sincerely they spoke, I couldn't have doubted God if I wanted to. It is easy for doubt to overtake your mind, but all it takes is an experience with God to wipe it all away.
Another experience of the heart like this took place the last day before we set out to the back country. On that day, we witnessed to people in Jackson Hole. I remember the two guys in my group were named Andrew and Brian. Andrew was well learned on arguments for the Christian viewpoint, so he was confident and ready. But Brian was afraid to be rejected by whoever we spoke to. The three of us set off to find someone to talk to, and saw a man sitting on a bench in the square. I could see the smile on his face already, and I knew he was ready to argue us to the ground. It turns out, he was an evolution professor, so he really was. What followed was a back and forth (initiated by him, oddly enough) about religion where he explained why he could never believe it, and we gave him a word of love and left (there really was nothing bitter about it, he was actually a really cool guy, and appreciated us to some degree). I thought nothing of it, because I had been in these types of discussions a thousand times. But Brian on the other hand, was devastated. He was brought down in a big way because of that conversation, as were some others who witnessed to people and were turned down. Then, on the way to go rafting, I was sitting next to my friend Katie, and Andrew handed her a phone with a text opened. Her hands started to shake violently and she broke out in tears. Her best friend's mom had just died. We had been in such a spiritual uplift before, such a strong bond with each other and God, Satan decided it was time to attack. And he did, on every front.
We were back at camp that night, weary and downtrodden from all that had happened that day, and among the bigger battles that day, there were many others between us, so we sat as tired soldiers after a full day of spiritual warfare. We talked some things out, encouraging each other through this time of hardship, especially for Katie and the others who knew her friend. At the end, Jack prayed with us. He was just talking to God, it sounded like he didn't even notice us there. He told God how Satan had attacked us on every occasion, and how we had trusted in God and overcame every time. Then, there was a pause in his words. In those moments of silence, I could hear the fire crackling quietly like the footsteps of some forgotten army thousands of miles away. I could feel the stars, perfectly still and silent, yet mighty, and the mountains, the ancient centurions surrounding us as if messengers for the Army of God. We were tucked inside this creation, these mountains, this world, and we had each other, and we felt strength. And then Jack spoke, surely, soundly: “When Satan has to go to plan C, he knows he's fucked.” And it was over.
We set off the next day into the back country, the wilderness. We had an intense hike ahead of us: four miles uphill and two miles that varied from climbing downward to mountain paths. It was a challenge to get through it, because I'm not exactly in peak physical condition, but it payed off. We hiked with our packs across beautiful ridges in the Teton range and at times sang “The Sound of Music” at the top of our lungs, and it really did seem fitting. And once we got through the first four miles that went up the sides of various mountains and climbed down to the last stretch inside the mountains, it was breathtaking. We hiked through snow and mud and rocks, and it was absolutely incredible. There were valleys off to the sides with waterfalls and rushing rivers sweeping below us, and mountains towered all around us. It was one of those moments that left me bewildered at how to even take it in, and frustrates me now, trying to explain it as I write. I swear the face of God is a mountain, or an open field, or a blanket of snow.
We arrived at the place we had planned to set our tents up and camp at, and settled down. It was a bowl-shaped valley with a lake right before us and to the left, a ridge overhanging a river that fed into the lake. Again, I'm pulling my hair out trying to explain this one. I know the English language has a lot of descriptive words that can be used, but words are not the form of expression this landscape requires of you. It demands your heart, and I handed mine right over, because I was captivated.

We were snuggled in between the mountains. No civilization. No outside influence. Pure nature. Pure God. My whole life, I feel like I am reaching and reaching, trying so hard to find God in my life, but somehow fit him into society as well. Out there, with nothing but unadulterated majesty and the joy of the company of some incredible friends, I felt like I was sitting right next to God, just hanging out with him, like it was something I should be doing every day. He had a lot to tell me, now that I was listening. I had been gone for so long, I felt like I was walking back into those mountains to meet up with an old friend, and he showed me the world. The days I spent in those mountains were pure worship. Being in God's glory. If you want to meet God, get away. Find adventure. Do something you have never done before. Buy a plane ticket to Salt Lake City and meet up with 18 strangers! If something adventurous and risky is put in front of you, go after it. You will never regret it. Get into the wild. Push the limits of your heart. Meet up with that old friend whose calls you have been ignoring, and see what He shows you.
The day we left the back country was the day before we had to get on our planes and go home. We drove into Salt Lake City to stay at a KOA for the night. It was this campsite with nice green grass, some little cabins and plots for tents. In the middle of Salt Lake City. Next to factories and an airport. We were out of the glorious nature we had been immersed in for seven days, but I didn't feel any different. It was then that I realized that it was the people I was with. I felt closer to them than I do most of my friends at home. The outdoors had just provided a framework for our friendship. We had been through a lot together, and I had shared my heart to the guys in my tent for that whole trip and pushed through every physical and spiritual obstacle with them. We had deep spiritual studies and conversations every night, and I realized that even if we were in the middle of the city, without exterior influences of nature to inspire us, it was the same. I had all those experiences with those people, we loved each other and shared our hearts. This was true, sincere fellowship.

“Happiness only real when shared.” -Into the Wild

I think the plane trip the next day was the most depressing four hours of my life. There was a fairly violent storm when the plane went through Florida, and something in me hoped it would crash. When I got home, I was mildly happy to see my family (nothing against them, they are great and all), but I was mostly sad. I lay in bed imagining the horrors of living in Florida for another five years or whatever I was sure it would be, and begged for more adventure. It felt like one of those nights where you come home from somewhere where there was sincere, heartfelt worship, and you didn't want it to end, but it did. And you are left in the wake of it. I was in the wake of my worship. Then I noticed something. I began to find adventure everywhere in my life. I began to think of God differently, like I wasn't studying the Bible, but reading a long-awaited letter sent to me by my best friend. I began to live like the opinions of others were so irrelevant that they could never override my joy and my love. I had made a discovery, out there in the mountains, and it began to pour into every area of my life. Now, rather than seeing God's character in a mountain, I see it in a simple act of love. Rather than in a mighty raging river, I see it flowing powerfully through the pages of the Bible. Without an adventure in your life, without some significant risk or journey (and they hardly happen when you want them to, or when you think they will), you will be left in the wake of doubt. I had experienced God face to face, and it felt like I had met him for the first time. If I would not have taken a risk and done something uncomfortable, I would have not faced change, and I would not have overcome doubt or found such a closeness with God.

Overcome

Have you even been hit in the face? I mean a full-forced punch right in the bridge of the nose. You can hear it in the back of your skull. And every time something reminds you of it, you hear it again, just as vividly. There is no pain, just shock, and lots of blood. If you are like me, you get this twisted little smile as blood is pooling in your hands and a crowd of people stands staring in something like concern or entertainment. The smile comes from the adrenaline and most of all- the freshness of the experience.
The first time you truly get hit like that, you have never felt anything like it. It's not the physical feeling of it that is good, but the insanity of it. If you have ever seen Fight Club (there goes my Christian reader base) there is this scene where the two main characters are fighting each other in the parking lot of a bar and Tyler says “I don't know why, I've never been in a fight before, now hit me”. They have a brutal fight in that parking lot and are both laughing the whole way through. This seems incredibly twisted, I know, but think about it (by the way, this has nothing to do with fighting)- this was a new experience for both of them. And it was painful, people look down on it- but they didn't care. Now apply this rush of adrenaline to a cause that is much, much greater. To an army living not for adrenaline rush, but for the Almighty God. An army that is rising up, preparing for a fight like they have never seen. A journey they have never experienced in their lifetime. A love that they have never felt before. A life of true adventure. So even the deep cuts and bruises you receive along the way make you laugh, because even in the struggle that provided those wounds, you are exhilarated to no end, because you know that the purpose was much higher than the cost, but also because there is something in us- mankind- that is always longing for a fight, a struggle. God simply gives us a purpose to do it and tells us to find joy in it.
So stand up- never back down from a good fight when one is presented. When the enemy sends something your way, laugh in his face and overcome the temptation to fall to his side. Because there is one thing you know, something sewn so deep into your heart it can never be ripped away- no matter how hard the enemy claws at it. This precious knowledge and purpose is that God is on your side until the end. He will fight the enemy tooth and nail for you, and win every single time (remembered the brutal death he died because of his love for you?). So when presented with a challenge, follow God's example and fight it with all you've got (which, since you are only human, may not seem like much, but when you ask for the strength, and you care about trampling Satan's attempts to win you over, God will pull through for you every single time). Be avid and vicious in your faith, so even when times are tough, and the enemy is up against you in the most terrifying ways possible- you can laugh and say “do your worst”, because your soul is already his, so what else can be taken from you? Never be afraid. God always pulls through.
That time you got hit in the face- you will remember it. You will hear it reverberating in your skull every time something reminds you of it. But it heals. You can think about the fact that you are now tougher for even having experienced it. So it is so n your faith. You will remember those hits you take, they don't just go away, you can't pretend like nothing happened. But sometimes the entire purpose of those hits are to make you tougher so you never go down that road again, and so you can remember how your Father came through and saved you whenever you doubt he will save you from the situation you are currently trapped in.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:3-4) Let's pick this apart, shall we? Alright, so James starts out by saying that you should consider it pure joy when you are facing trials. Joy isn't necessarily acting fake and happy when you are being treated horribly. It means that no matter what, you can always know that you will come out alive. Joy doesn't materialize in a smile, it materializes in a warmth of the soul that follows you all your life, and is especially comforting during the tough times. Now, the next part says that the testing of faith develops perseverance. This is what I mentioned before about how you must always look back at your hardships to avoid them in the future. Furthermore, it gives wisdom. And with that wisdom comes the ability to persevere through the next challenge, which builds perseverance even more. This is why James goes on to say in the next verse: “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”. So when you are in the face of challenge, you can overcome it over and over again, your strength building more and more with every blow you take, until you are mature in Christ and can follow in his footsteps closer every day.
This is one of the many things I love about God: he has infinite knowledge (and, more importantly, wisdom), and through all the little things he carefully inserts into our paths, it is revealed to us. Most of us know that every day is a learning experience, and take that lightly because it is cliché, and acquiring any kind of wisdom beyond our own suggests we don't already have it. However, I think it should be exciting that God would want to instill his infinite wisdom in us as part of this incredible unraveling story. When you turn that page, you learn something new every time. This is why you shouldn't be afraid of experiencing new things. When you do, you will probably see some hardship, and you will receive wisdom if you go about it the right way. Even more so, then, you should take joy during your hardships when they come unexpectedly, as they often will (God has a funny way of throwing plot twists all over his story- which is part of what makes it so good). So when you are given a challenge, don't just hang your head when you fail and pity yourself. Be strong and have heart- plant your feet in the ground and fight. And if you get torn to shreds, just stand up, shake it off and know you are already healed. That you are stronger. This is the Joy of The Lord. He is always with you, so never back down, because he is letting these things happen to you and watching you, wanting for you to learn the lesson he is putting right in front of you, right behind you the whole way. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

Set Sail

Look, we all want to believe that our lives are to be seen as a simple “passing through”, and maybe that's why we drag ourselves through the inevitable destitution we call our lives every day. So you get what you ask for, right? Do all the right things, line up your life with an idealistic societal outline and hope you get where you're going. But where are you going? Heaven? Hell? Is that it? We see our lives as a means to an end in itself, and nothing else, even if we try to convince people otherwise. The truth is, we subscribe to this because it is comfortable. Because most of us know nothing else.
Have you ever stood still and felt that tinge of pain at the realization that this is it? That this is what your life is? That you are the anchor of society, being drug across the ocean floor like everyone else. Most feel this, but deny it, get back to the office as quickly as possible and plan for their lunch break to be somewhere a little more distracting the following day. But it's always there isn't it? I feel it everyday, and it kills me to think that I should waste another second of my life as an anchor. There is so much more than this. There is so much more behind it all, but we are afraid to turn the page and see what comes next. If we were to rise and live for something outside of ourselves, and truly live for it with everything we have, to realize that there is more, that we aren't just waiting patiently to die, it would be a glorious thing. None of this would come easily, but even in that fight, that pursuit, there is redemption and freedom. No longer are you held down by your possessions or the opinions of others- things of this world aren't important. Once you turn the pages, you find that there is an incredible, elaborate plot unfolding right in your hands, and you never want to put the book down. And that's when you laugh as one does when they were inches away from death just moments ago, realizing you almost fell into the normal definition of how a human being is supposed to interact with it's environment. And you carry it around like a secret you can't wait to tell the world about; their acceptance of it irrelevant to your interaction with it. And there are struggles, but ultimately redemption, freedom and glory. Not for yourself, but something so much greater.
The one who began this movement began it with the movement of the stars, the shaping of the world, the creation of His people. He is God Almighty. He has been there, unexplainable, mystic in every way, but intensely personal- teaching us the wisdom of truth and love every moment if only we are to listen. We are the cursed creation, tricked by the enemy, disgusting in every way, and our creator, the Almighty God in rule of the entire universe loved us so intensely that he became a man. Impervious to sin's attacks on human nature, Jesus Christ stood for truth in his walk as a man and ultimately died a brutal death as the perfect sacrifice for scum like you and I. This act of love, brought down the walls between a God once seen as impersonal to be our best friend. And so from the moment you were born, God has been there. Even the times when you ran away as hard as you could from him, he was there. Protecting you with his goodness and love. And so he calls you to be not only his child, but his friend. To take a leap into an abyss unknown by society, a leap that sends a shiver down your spine, invigorating your every sense, but more than that: your heart. You are standing on the edge, between life as you know it, and a life filled with adventure, with rewards far beyond anything this world has to offer you, a life that follows the Almighty God, the creator of everything in existence.
So jump. Make the adventure of a lifetime your entire life. There is great pain, but in that pain there is an incredible joy. A joy you will never know unless you become a follower of The Way. Become his son, become his friend. Follow him into that great abyss, and see what happens.
To the one's who have jumped: your life should not be boring. This story is your story, it is real, as real as it ever gets. You are to live with a passion set ablaze with the Holy Spirit! Your every action should be evidently inspired by the fire that is set by this adventure! You have been given a sail and a solid, seaworthy hull. So set sail! Why do we trade our sails in for anchors? Sure, it's more comfortable to sit at the bottom of the sea, but there is nothing to be experienced there. No danger, no risk, no passion, you miss every sunrise. I would trade comfort in for adventure any day. And God is always there, always asking us: "Will you join in on the adventure? Will you follow me?" Trade your anchors.